


The thrill of it all

by toomanystoriessolittletime



Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Break Up, F/M, Fluff, Heartbreak, Moving On, Music, Post-Break Up, Songwriting, this is basically inspired by the thrill of it all by sam smith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-06-03 09:31:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19461205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomanystoriessolittletime/pseuds/toomanystoriessolittletime
Summary: He thought he was done being the “inspiration” for a song after once again a relationship didn’t work out. He never thought he would be sitting in the tube, listening to a new releases playlist and hear her voice. She never wanted to sing herself. She was always happy being the one behind the song. If he was honest to himself, there was no way he dreamed of ever hearing her voice again. Listening to her singing was a privilege he hadn’t honoured enough, when they were living together.He missed everything about her.





	1. Chapter 1

He thought he was done being the “inspiration” for a song after once again a relationship didn’t work out. He never thought he would be sitting in the tube, listening to a new releases playlist and hear her voice. She never wanted to sing herself. She was always happy being the one behind the song. If he was honest to himself, there was no way he dreamed of ever hearing her voice again. Listening to her singing was a privilege he hadn’t honoured enough, when they were living together.  
He missed everything about her.

Her eyes lighting up, when she was done with a new song. Her giggle when she found the perfect rhyme to a ridiculous word. Her victorious scream when she sold her first song. How they celebrated her first song going gold. How she cried when she was nominated for her first Grammy. How they celebrated the nomination. 

Her big smile when they found the perfect house. How they renovated their house. The house he was still living in.

How happy she was when he came home with dinner, so she didn’t starve. She was a terrible cook.  
How she baked his favorite cookies every time he came home after months of being away for work. She was a brilliant baker. 

The way she sighed every time he kissed her. The Goosebumps over her whole body when he kissed her behind her ear. 

How she cried when he broke up with her. Her eyes when he broke her heart. 

How he cried after realizing the mistake he made. Way too late. 

Tom couldn’t stop the lone tear that was rolling down his cheek. He knew he fucked up. Hell, everyone knew he fucked up. But nobody had to live with the consequences of this. Just him. Him and Rose.

2 years earlier  
June 2016

She looked at him. Speechless. Trying to make sense of the words she just heard him say.  
“What do you mean you want to move to Los Angeles without me? I thought we were going together?”  
“I don’t want you to go with me.” Tom couldn’t meet her eyes.  
“I understood that, Thomas. The question is why? Because you don’t make any sense. We have been planning this for months. We already payed rent for the house.”  
“I’ll pay you back” he interrupted.  
“I don’t care about the fucking money. What is it you’re not telling me?”

She was getting louder now. Frustrated with Tom’s behaviour. Something was off. Something has been wrong for a couple of weeks now. Ever since he came back from the MET gala in New York back in May. 

“I’m breaking up with you”, he said, finally meeting her eyes. 

“You’re breaking up with me.” She repeated his words. Trying to make sense of it. A phrase she never in a million years would have expected to hear from him. Her boyfriend. Her first love. Her only love. Her Tom.

Tears began to fill her eyes.  
“Why?” She whispered. Steadying herself at the kitchen counter. 

“I met someone.” 

She nodded. The tears she’s been holding in running down her face, dripping on the kitchen counter. A sob escaping her lips.

Tom could see the moment he broke her heart into a million pieces. He had been sure to have made the right decision right to this moment. He hadn’t made this decision lightly. He has been thinking about this for the last 6 weeks. When he saw the tears and heard her sob, he reached out to touch her hand.  
Rose jumped away from him, before he could reach her. 

“Don’t you dare…”, she growled, looking at him with fury and sadness in her eyes.  
“Darling…”, he tried.  
“Don’t you darling me , Hiddleston. I’m not one of your fan girls. I am your girlfriend. I have been with you for the past 7 years. I have been with you…”, she stopped, shaking her head, trying to clear her mind. She had to ask her next question. She really didn’t want an answer to this. She had to know. But she didn’t want to.  
“Did you cheat on me?”, she finally asked looking at him. His eyes told her everything she needed to know.  
“Why?”  
“I don’t know.”  
Rose laughed.  
“Seriously?”, she shook her head and left the kitchen. 

Tom followed her to the hallway. She was searching for her second shoe. Frustrated with herself she sank down on the floor, burying her face in her hands. Tom wanted to comfort her. He was always the one to comfort her. But now he was the one that caused the pain. They had promised each other to never cause each other pain. 

Now he really didn’t know why he thought breaking up with her was for the best. He loved her. But he also had some feelings for this other girl. Rose deserved someone who’s heart will always be only for her. And his heart wasn’t in the right place. Hasn’t been for months. And he tried to find out why. But he couldn’t. 

“Could you please leave me alone? I’m going for a walk in the park and we can talk when I come back. I need to clear my head, Tom.” She put on her second shoe, wiping away the tears and pushed herself up from the ground. He nodded.  
She took her purse and opened the door.

“I love you Tom. I don’t know what has been going on with you the last couple of months, but I can tell you that cheating and breaking up with me, won’t be the answer to what you are searching for.”  
When she came back the first thing she saw were the 3 big suitcases in the hallway.  
Rose heard a sound from the library and found Tom sitting in the window, the jungle book in his lap, his favourite tea mug shattered on the floor. His eyes where red and teary. Rose leaned in the doorway. She wanted to help him. Help him find out what went wrong. But she couldn’t get the other woman out of her head. If 7 years of loving each other weren’t enough for him to talk about his problems with her, maybe something was wrong with this relationship. 

“I love you too.”, he started. Rose hugged herself.  
“But my heart isn’t in the right place anymore. And you deserve better. You always did. A piece of my heart will probably always be with you. But I have to find out if there is something other out there.”  
“All of this sounds like a huge fucking midlife crisis to me Thomas. Don’t do this. Don’t throw us away like this.”  
Tom looked at her. Heartbroken. The same look he saw in her face.  
“I can’t.”, was the last thing she heard him say before he left her crying in the library, taking his 3 suitcases to fly to LA in the morning. 

Rose couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t find Peace. Peace with the whole situation she was founding herself in. So she did, what she always did, when she didn’t know what to do. She wrote the words that where ghosting through her brain down. 

_Will you show me the piece of my heart I’ve been missing_  
Would you give me the part of myself that I can’t get back  
….  
I sure can get no sleep  
And lord knows there’s no relief  
You held my hear in your fingertips  
So now I drown in my bitterness  
Oh I can get no sleep  
And I sure wont, sure won’t find no peace.  
….  
You reached the limit  
I wasn’t enough  
It’s like the fire replaced all the love 

She didn’t know she wrote down the words to 2 songs that night. She didn’t know, that she would be the one singing them on her own record years later. She also didn’t know she would be nominated for 6 Grammys for this record.

And Tom didn’t know that he would be at the same pre-Grammy party that very same year, when his eyes found hers on the balcony about to have a much needed smoke.


	2. Chapter 2

Rose spent 3 whole days in agony after Tom left her in their home. Their home. She liked the house the first moment she laid her eyes on it. Tom just came back from yet another Marvel movie, rocking his black hair. She secretly loved him with black hair. It made his eyes so much more intense. On the other hand he could be bald and she would still love him.  
“Can’t it wait till tomorrow, Darling? I have been on a plane for the last 12 hours. I don’t even know which time zone my body is in.”, he had whined and pouted. He hated flying and Rose knew that.  
“I will do anything you want if you do this for me now. I really really feel like this could be it.”,, she had answered him, her hands behind his neck.  
“Anything I want? That is an offer I can’t resist.”, he had smirked and kissed her breathless.  
They had looked at so many houses, that the moment Tom’s car parked in front of the beautiful white building she had already decided that this is where they would live.  
”Come on Tom. It even has a green/golden door. It must be faith.” Rose had giggled when they went up the stairs to greet the realtor. He only shook his head and took her had at that. A little smirk on his face. 

The trip down memory lane was interrupted by the doorbell. Rose sighed. Back to real life it was.

“You look like hell”, where the first words out of Emma’s mouth. Tom’s sister had become one of her closest friends in the last couple of years. The blonde woman hugged Rose and handed her a very delicious smelling cup of coffee.  
“Well if your dear brother hadn’t broken up with me, my looks would for sure be a whole lot better.” Rose looked at her friend and took a big sip of her coffee.  
“I still can’t believe it. Why would he do something like this?”  
Rose looked at Emma. She looked so much like Tom. Sometimes she thought they secretly where twins.  
“I only know that he met another woman back in New York.”  
“Well she must have made an impression.”, Emma whispered more to herself than for Rose to hear.  
“I bet she has.” Tears where in Rose’s eyes again. She blinked them away.  
“Sorry that was beyond rude.”  
“It’s nothing I haven’t thought of in the last days. I keep thinking about what I did wrong in the past. Maybe we did not make enough time for each other…”, Rose started but was interrupted from Emma.  
“Don’t do this. I hope that once he calms down you will get the answers you are searching for. No point in thinking about it now when you won’t get them.”  
“Easier said as done.”  
“I know. So what should we do? Get drunk? Eat ice cream? Watch as many Ryan Gosling movies as we can get our hands on?”

They went to the kitchen to sit.  
“I need your help Emma. I know you are his sister, but I need someone to help me pack my things. And there’s a lot of it.”  
“But Tom said you could stay here. I talked to him yesterday.”  
“I don’t want to. We build this home together. I can’t continue to live here without him. Every stupid things holds a memory. I just can’t.” Rose shook her head. Yesterday she cried because of the pillow Tom and her had bought together on their first vacation in Egypt. Emma scooted next to her friend and wrapped her arms around her. Embracing her in a tight hug.  
“I understand. I will help you. You can stay with me if you want to. Or with mum. I bet she won’t talk to Tom for at least 5 years after this stunt.”  
“I couldn’t…”  
“Yes you could and you will. You know mom always thought of you as her third daughter. I do to by the way. Just because you two aren’t together anymore, doesn’t mean you are going to lose us.”  
“Thank you Emma.”  
“Every time. So, you don’t have to pack everything now. Just grab what you’ll need for the next week and we’ll be back then.”  
“I can’t. If I’m going to stay with you, till I find a new place I don’t want to constantly have to get back here to pick up things. I want to pack everything now. As long…” she took a breath. “As long as Tom’s not here.”  
“I understand. So. Let’s get a couple of boxes and start?”

It took Rose and Emma 2 days to pack everything up. Rose’s whole life was now standing in the living room, packed in about 40 boxes. She didn’t realize how much stuff she had, until this moment.  
Emma was already in her car, waiting for Rose to join her.  
Rose had a couple of moments for herself. She went up to the library. It has always been her favourite place of the house. The smell of books and something which could only be described as typically Tom always made her homesick. Because her home was Tom. Not this house. She realized in this moment, that it would be next to impossible to find a new home. She would be able to find a new house. To find new furniture. To paint the walls by herself. But to find someone like Tom again…  
He used to practically live in this room when he was learning his lines. Only interrupted when he was hungry or tired. Every so often she had found him passed out on the window seat, his script on his chest. His glasses deep down on his nose, about to fall off. She shook her head. A light smile on her lips.  
Even after the heartbreak she could not not miss him. Not not love him. She desperately tried to hate him for what he did. But she couldn’t.  
She tucked the letter she wrote this morning in his favourite book and left their house.

The next days were spend constantly on the internet. Rose tried to find a new place to stay in London first. Her whole life she lived in London, so why change it now? Sure she had planned to go to LA, but alone?  
That’s when she saw the message her friend Ryan had sent her after they talked.  
He had invited her so stay with his family for the next couple of months and to write. She was supposed to write a few songs with him anyway and there were worse things than staying in San Francisco for a couple of months.   
As much as she loved the whole Hiddleston family, they all reminded her of Tom.   
She still couldn’t wrap her head around all that happened. Sure they had their problems. Like in every relationship not everything was pink and fluffy all the time. But the majority of the last years had been perfect. She had been with him when he got the part playing Loki, which changed his whole career. And he had been with her on every step of her way to make a name for herself in the music industry. They practically grew up together. Career wise.   
Maybe in all of this she lost the sight of what was important? Should she have made more time for him?  
Shaking her head she closed her notebook and made herself ready. She had to tell her father that Tom and her had broken up.

Visiting her father was something Rose did every week.  
So when she postponed last week, he immediately got suspicious. They had a special bond. Rose’s mother died 20 years ago, while on her way to bring their son, David, Rose’s brother to football practice. A moving truck overlooked them crossing the street. They had no chance. Both of them died in the week after the accident in the hospital. Rose had been 9 years old at this time.  
It had been him and Rose ever since. They didn’t have any other family.  
When he opened the door to welcome his daughter on that day it took about 20 seconds before she flung herself crying into his arms.

“It’s going to be okay. You survived worse.” Her father soothed her and half hour later, after she calmed herself. Rose was proud of herself for only falling apart once while another person was present.  
“I know. Dad?”  
“Yes?”  
“I think I’m going to stay with Ryan for a couple months.”  
“In the states?”  
“San Francisco. I always wanted to go and I can’t be here right now.”  
“I understand. Maybe I’ll come visit you.”  
“You should. Ryan’s house is as big as Buckingham palace. I bet he has a room for you.” Rose smiled.

…

Diana was just on her way back home after visiting Emma, when her phone ringed.  
She took a deep breath before she answered the call.  
“Hello Thomas.”  
“Hi Mum…” Tom had been trying to postpone this call for a while now.  
“So, how are you?” Diana asked her son.  
“I’m… I don’t know how I am.” No point in lying to her.  
“Then come home and fix it. She is a mess Tom. She’s trying to figure out why you don’t want to be with her anymore and so am I to be completely honest with you.”  
“I want her to be happy. I want her to get married and have kids.”  
“But she wants to have that with you. Why did you break up with her?” She asked softly.  
“I don’t love her like I used to.”  
“But you still love her?”  
“I don’t think I ever won’t.” he admitted honestly. He heard his name been called from the outside.  
“Then please think about it. I don’t want you to regret this decision for the rest of your life.” Diana pleaded her son.  
“Thank you mom. Love you.”  
“Love you too.” She sighed and disconnected the call.  
She hoped for her son’s sake that he made the right decision for himself. Even if she couldn’t understand it.

Tom went to the window where he had a view over the ocean. Several people were down at the beach. Music was playing. He was happy and sad at the same time. He saw her smiling at one of her friends before her eyes shifted and found his She smiled and he smiled back, giving her a small wave to show her he’ll be down shortly. Tom stepped away from the window and looked at himself in the mirror.  
He didn’t love her. But he could. He for sure had a crush on her. He rolled his eyes. How old was he? 12?  
No. He had to try. And even if it was just to prove to himself that he made the right decision in breaking up with Rose. 

….

“I really really want to call him and ask him what on earth is wrong with him.”, Ben shook his head and looked at Rose.  
“Well, get in line. I know at least 4 other people, me included.”   
It has now been 19 days since Tom broke up with her. But it had only been 16 hours ago when pictures of Tom kissing another woman came out all over the world. And it hurted. Like hell. In that moment she was glad that they had a very private relationship. She only went to a couple of events with him. They hadn’t been seen together in almost 2 years if she remembered correctly.  
“Are you doing okay?” Ben asked. He wanted to check on her earlier, but he only got back to the UK yesterday. When he saw the paparazzi pictures of Tom with Taylor only after waking up this morning, he had to reach out immediately.  
“I’m thinking about leaving for a little while.”  
“Oh?”  
“Well Ryan is working on a new project and wanted my opinion. I also happen to have written a couple of songs in the last weeks, which I wanted to get out there. I should probably just sell them to Adele. She’s good with stuff like that.”  
“Oh Rosie.” Ben sighed.  
“No it’s okay. I have to move on. Somehow.”  
“But it’s okay to take your time for that. Don’t do anything just for the sake of moving on.”  
“I won’t. I wanted to leave London for a little while anyway.”  
“I know. Sophie complained about it ever since you two announced it.”, Ben chuckled.   
“She’s only complaining because she’s losing her best babysitter.”  
“Aren’t you the godmother of my first born or do I recall that wrong?”  
“You don’t. But I still can be godmothering from another continent. And it won’t be forever.”  
“It better not be.” He smiled “Call me if you ever need anything. I mean it.”  
“I will.”

In the middle of August Rose found herself in her best friend Ryan’s studio at his house.  
“It’s wonderful.” Ryan looked at her in awe.  
“Thank you. Do you think someone would be interested?”  
“They would be insane to not be. But are you sure?”  
“Why wouldn’t I? Something good has to come out of this whole mess.”  
Ryan sighed and looked at his friend. She was a shadow of the woman, he used to work with. Her usually sunkissed skin pale, she had lost weight and her blonde hair was in a messy bun on top of her head. He had met Rose about 15 years ago after a concert back in London, when she gave him a demo tape of a song she recorded. That happened occasionally back in the day. But when he sat down and listened to her song, he heard big potential. So he contacted her and worked with her ever since. It was her song that got his band a nomination for their first Grammy 6 years ago.  
“These are your feelings, your deepest feelings which would be sang out to the world by someone else. Don’t get me wrong. This is next level stuff. You have to be absolutely sure that you want this.”  
“Maybe I should just release it myself.”, Rose joked.  
“With your voice I don’t know why you haven’t earlier to be honest.”  
“I was joking Ryan.”  
“I don’t.”  
She shook her head.  
“I don’t think I could live with either way at the moment, if I’m fully honest.”  
“Take your time. It’s barely been 3 months since all of this happened. You don’t just get over the last 7 years in a snap.”  
“But I wish I could. I miss him. So much.” Rose shifted her eyes to the corner of the room, holding her tears in. She hadn’t cried since she got to the states 3 weeks ago. There were still times at night, when she woke up, that she reached out to the place in bed next to her, when it hit her, that there was no one. But she didn’t cry in those moments. She was done crying.  
“I know Sweetheart. I know.” Ryan scooted closer to her, and wrapped one arm around her shoulder.  
“Not to sound cliché but it will get easier.”  
“You’re one to talk. You’ve been married for nearly 20 years.”  
“Well yes, but I was young and heartbroken once too.”, he winked at her.  
“Idiot.” She giggled.  
“Come on. Let’s get upstairs before my wife sends in the searching troop.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

It was late September when Tom’s taxi drove down the street and stopped in front of the house with the dark green door. Back in the day they used to joke it had to be faith that of all the houses they looked at, the one they ended up choosing had his Marvel character’s signature colours.

Seemingly nothing changed here. But Tom knew that everything had changed. He opened the door and was greeted by silence and darkness. The driver of the taxi helped him with his luggage and left after he was paid, leaving Tom alone in their big house. Usually the smell of freshly baked cookies greeted him when he came home after a longer trip. And her. This time there was nothing. Nothing but darkness and silence.

He kicked of his shoes in the hallway and started walking inside of their house, turning on the lights on his way. The first thing he noticed was the missing lamp on the table next to the sofa. The picture of her in front of the Eiffel tower he took on their fifth anniversary was still standing there.

He continued to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea, when he noticed the 4 green cups he brought her back from the little antique shop in Cologne back when he was shooting “Only lovers left alive” were also missing.

Emma had told him, that Rose had moved out. If he was honest with himself he hoped she would have wanted to stay here, so he wouldn’t be reminded of the happy times they had.

Tom sat down on the counter and starred at the kettle, waiting for the water to boil.

The last 4 months had been a mess.

He really wanted to try with his new girlfriend. But it just didn’t work out. It couldn’t.

Tom was a very private person and she was just so… public. To a certain amount it probably wasn’t even her fault. It’s the paparazzi who were to blame. Following them everywhere they went. Going to visit his mother and having a walk on the beach like a normal person also wasn’t his best idea. He wanted his mother to like her.

And her mother tried. He knew that. But she knew her son better than every other person on this planet.

It probably didn’t make it better that he dreamed of Rose when he was laying in bed next to his new girlfriend. Well now ex-girlfriend. When he started comparing her to Rose in his mind, he knew that he had to end it.

On a very drunk night out he had even tried to call her, but ended up calling his friend Ben. Who wasn’t very amused only hearing from him now.

_“Well isn’t that the godfather of my firstborn?” Ben had greeted him at the phone._

_“Ah shit. Wrong number.” Tom had slurred._

_“Are you drunk?”_

_“I don’t feel drunk. I’m sleepy.”_

_“Jesus Tom. Where are you?”_

_“In an airport hotel in Los Angeles.”_

_“Are you alone or is someone babysitting you?”_

_“I don’t need babysitting.”_

_“Usually you don’t need babysitting.”_

_“Bloody hell I’m a grown man.”_

_“Right, right. Okay. Who did you want to call in the first place?”_

_“Rose.”_

_Ben sighed and gripped the bridge of his nose. Dealing with drunk people was only pleasant when he was drunk himself._

_“You should get to your room and sober up before you call her.”_

_“That’s why you are my best friend on this whole bloody planet, Benedict.”_

_“Yes you Idiot. Get to sleep and call me when you’re sober.”_

_The call disconnected and the last memory Tom has was his ride up the elevator to his room._

After his tea was ready, he climbed the stairs up to the library.

Everything in there was the same. No books were missing. Which was odd, because at least half of them belonged to her. The jungle book was still laying on the window seat where he left it, before he left her. He picked it up sat down, when an envelope fell out of the book. He recognized her handwriting right away.

They hadn’t spoken since he left. Everything had been worked out with either his sister or mother as a communicator. It’s not her, who wouldn’t want to talk. It was him. First he had been so busy in LA and after it was his conscience which couldn’t handle to talk to her. He felt bad for how he left her.

He felt bad for breaking her heart.

He felt bad for lying to her. He didn’t cheat on her. Physically. He could never cheat on her. It was just easier to let her believe that instead of breaking up with her, because he felt like shit that he even entertained the thought of sleeping with somebody else. He still didn’t know what was missing. But he was now sure, that he added another thing to the list. Her.

He opened the letter and began reading.

_Tom_

_I really don’t know where to start. It has now been 5 days since you left me in our home. Without even giving us a chance to work things out._

_I had time to think. I don’t think you cheated on me. I think you felt guilty. I don’t know if it was because of this other woman or something else. You could never cheat on me or anyone. You’re a too good person for that. At least I hope you still are. I really hope you find what you are looking for. Even if it’s not me._

_I don’t know how to get over you. You know how I feel about you. I still love you so much that it scares me._

_I know you don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know why, because it should be me who is pissed, but apparently you are. I still want to talk. I need some kind of closure, so please reach out once you’re back in London._

_I left the books here. I don’t know if I want them back yet. Please keep them safe for me._

_Rose_

The tears were running down his cheek by the end of her little letter. She always had been the better person. She should hate him. Hell, he hated himself.

Standing up he made his way to the master bedroom. All Tom wanted was to go to sleep.

As soon as he entered the room, he saw the little black velvet box on his bedside. He stopped in his tracks and blinked. He left it with his sister back when he bought it, so Rose wouldn’t find it.

Tom sat down on his bed, reaching for the box and opening it. Inside was a beautiful platinum diamond band with a blue emerald cut diamond on top. He had seen it while being away, shooting the night manager.

All the decisions he made in the last couple of months came crashing down on him at once. He had to make this right. He couldn’t live with himself if he wouldn’t at least try.

How could he have been so stupid and fucked up both of their lives in that way?

….

“You’re drunk.” Ryan eyed Rose and his wife sitting on his kitchen floor. He just got home from a 3-day meeting in Seattle. Apparently he and his band would be touring Europe next spring.

“Not shit Sherlock.” His wife Andrea giggled and took another sip of what looked like Champagne.

“Uhhhh Sherlock. We should call Benedict.” Rose decided excitedly and was already searching for the contact in her phone.

Ryan took her phone from her. “I think you should go to bed, Ladies.”

“Spoilsport. Have a drink with us?” Rose blinked her eyes at him. Head shaking he sat down beside his wife and took the glass that was handed to him.

“Why are we sitting on the kitchen floor on a Tuesday night getting drunk?”

“Well, I’m glad you asked.” Rose began. “As you may recall I had a boyfriend who broke up with me over fucking Taylor Swift. But guess what? Rumour has it she broke up with him now.” She laughed. Ryan had read about that on the airplane.

“And now he’s back miserable in London and won’t shout up about what a huge mistake he had made, breaking up with me.”

“He called you?” It was Ryan’s turn to drink now.

“Oh well no. His sister called me and told me that. He doesn’t even have the balls to call me himself. And now I can’t even listen to Taylor Swift break up songs because she was the other woman. Taylor Swift!” Rose shook her head. Giggling.

“I like Taylor Swift. I really don’t want to hate her.” Rose stated.

“What about we hate her, but still like her music?” Andrea suggested. Ryan smiled at his beautiful wife.

After a while Rose nodded slowly.

“That could work.”

“So what do we do now?” Ryan asked.

“We kill the last bottle of champagne, go to your studio downstairs and record the song I wrote today.”

“You wrote a song?”

Rose searched for the piece of paper, that was had been here with her. Somewhere on this kitchen floor. After she found it, she handed it to him.

Ryan read the lines and laughed.

“But these are just the line of Taylor Swifts ‘We are never getting back together’ and a whole lot of swear words behind it.”

“I know.” Rose joined his laughter and looked at him and Andrea.

“I love you guys, I hope you know that.” She told them. Andrea and Ryan looked at each other and then reached for Rose to hug her.

“We love you too.”

Rose found herself back in the studio in New York, working on a record of a new artist in late November. She had 4 days left before she would go back to London for the holidays.

She should be focused on the young man singing in front of her, but her mind kept going back to the still unread message she had received earlier.

Rose pressed a button and the music died. “I’m sorry. Can we take 30 minutes? I need to get my head cleared.”

“Sure. I’m starving anyway.” Daniel, who was just singing said and put his headphones down.

Rose took her phone and her scribbling block and made her way to the elevator. On the top of the building she sat down and was extremely thankful for the blankets which where there on the various chairs on the rooftops.

She had received a message from Tom earlier today. It was the first time he reached out after he left. Rose hadn’t opened the message, and she still wasn’t sure she wanted too.

She began to flick through her scribbling book, which was full of words by now.

_So sick of this lonely air_  
It seems such a waste of breath  
So much that I need to say  
So much to get off my chest  
I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow  


The lines caught her eyes and she sighed. She had recorded this song only last week. Finally she had made the decision to record a couple of songs by herself. And it helped. It was like her own little therapy session.

Rose opened the text message on her phone and began reading.

_I’m the biggest bloody idiot on this planet. I know you knew that for a long time, but I only came now to realize it._

_You wrote you wanted to talk. If you still want to, I really would like to try to explain myself. Tom_

“You okay there?” A voice behind Rose asked. She had read the text message at least 7 times by now and was not sure how, or if to respond.

She turned her head to answer the Stranger. Deep green eyes met hers. She took in the Man standing behind her. He was tall. And handsome. His almost black hair framed his face almost to his chin. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in at least a week, but he could wear it like that. She saw the cigarette he was about to start.

“I could use one of these to be honest.” Rose answered.

He walked over to her and handed her a cigarette. Rose brought it to her lips and waited for him to light it for her.

“So what are you doing up here in the freezing cold on a rooftop in the middle of Manhattan?”

“Honestly?”

He nodded and sat down next to her.

“I’m trying to figure out if I should reply to a text I got from my Ex only a couple of hours ago after he practically ghosted me for 5 months after breaking up with me.”

“Ouch.” His face had a pained expression.

“Yep.” I inhaled the smoke.

We sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Smoking.

“Do you have to decide now if you answer him?” He asked after a while.

“After he ignored me for that long. No. Why?”

“Because I know this little bakery down the street. They have this cake which always helps me make decisions.”

“That must be a very powerful cake.” Rose chuckled.

“You have no idea.” He smiled.

Rose got up from her chair and put the cigarette out. He eyed her interested.

“So. Stranger, lead the way to this mysterious Cake.” She smiled at him.

That was how she met James.


	4. Chapter 4

On December 12th of that year Tom woke up late. He’d been out having dinner with both his sisters and it got rather late. He had his first appointment today and he didn’t want to be late. It was 9 am and he had to get ready. Grabbing his phone, he went to the bathroom to have a quick shower before.

While waiting for the water to boil in the kitchen a little later, he finally checked his phone which had numerous notifications but the one on the top made him hold his breath.

_“Congratulations on your Golden Globe nomination. You truly deserve it. Rose”_

It had been 3 weeks since he had sent her a text message. And she hadn’t responded. He couldn’t blame her. If she had left him the way he left her he wouldn’t want to talk to him either. Still. He couldn’t stop the little smile that made it’s way to his face.

On Christmas day Tom found himself in the house he grew up in, surrounded by his whole family. Still he couldn’t enjoy it as much as he would have.

“You know you could just call her.” His mother sat down next to him.

“I know.”

“Then why aren’t you doing it?”

“I want to talk to her in person. I don’t even know where to start to apologize.” He admitted.

“Oh Thomas.” Diana hugged her son.

“I know you will find a way. But you should hurry before you’re too late.”

…

“Dad. Oh my god don’t.” Rose put her arm over her eyes, trying to hide from the world. Yet laughing.

“Why?” Her father chuckled.

“Because it’s embarrassing.”

“It’s not. All of us had to start somewhere.” Ryan said, trying to keep a straight face.

“But you didn’t start with a rhyme of how much you loved banana ice-cream, didn’t you?” She asked.

“Nope.” He laughed and Rose joined. It was the day after Christmas. She had planned to go to London for the holidays, but her father surprised her in New York just on the day she was supposed to fly out to the UK.

Every concern she had regarding this Christmas where washed away as soon as she saw her father.

Okay. James probably also had to be a reason.

After going out with him a couple of times, they had decided to just date. As it turned out James was a music producer and even worked with some of the same artists as Rose. He couldn’t believe she was the one who wrote the latest Number 1 song of the billboard top 100. He was complementing her so much, and she had been blushing so hard in that moment, that she just kissed him just to shut him up. That was on her last day in New York 2 weeks ago.

You could imagine Rose’s surprise when she opened Ryan’s door this morning back in San Francisco as the doorbell ringed and found James standing there.

“We have a mutual friend here who invited me. I hope that’s okay.” He had said

“I’m going to kill Ryan.” Rose had answered, shaking her head.

“Okay… I can just leave again?” James had suggested slowly.

“No. No. You stay. Hey.” Rose had to stretch to hug him.

“Merry Christmas.” James had whispered and kissed her lightly.

And that’s how she found herself on the couch, James arm around her shoulders, while her father was telling embarrassing childhood stories about herself.

“Can we stop now with the stories about me and focus on something else?” Rose asked.

“Yes. Let’s focus on James who has been nominated for a golden globe.” Ryan suggested and Rose shot him a dangerous look.

“It’s nothing.” James took a sip from his whiskey.

“Oh please. You probably will win the Oscar also. The music and movie are brilliant.” Andrea chipped in.

“Which movie?” Rose’s father asked.

“La La Land.” SheI answered and her father looked impressed at James.

“Well. Congratulations. I saw it back in London on screen and loved it. I even bought the soundtrack on itunes.”

“Thank you so much.” James smiled at Rose’s father.

“You know I still don’t have someone to accompany to the Golden Globes.” It was way past midnight and Rose was laying with her back on James’ chest outside on the balcony under a big blanket.

“You don’t?”

“Nope. Haven’t found the right person to ask.”

Rose nodded.

“You know where I’m going with this conversation, don’t you?” James leaned down, close to Rose’s ear.

“I know.” Rose whispered and turned around so she was facing him.

“I can’t go with you and I’m going to tell you exactly why.”

“I’m listening.”

“Well first, we only know each other for 7 weeks. You don’t take your…” I was searching for the right word. “Girlfriend?” he suggested. I smiled at him.

“Was that a question? Because it sounded like that.”

“Do I have to ask you to be my girlfriend like we are in the second grade?”

“Who has girlfriends in the second grade?” Rose asked surprised.

“I don’t know.” James laughed and put his arms around Rose to lay her down on his chest. Sure they only knew each other for a short time but he was pretty sure he loved her.

“So…” She started again after a while. “You don’t take your girlfriend for 7 weeks on a red carpet of one of the biggest award ceremonies on the planet.

“I would.” James interrupted her.

Rose laughed and punched him lightly on his chest.

“Let me finish, won’t you?” She kissed his chest through his shirt.

“Okay maybe YOU take your girlfriend of 7 weeks on the red carpet. But…” She kneeled between his legs on the lounger.

“But maybe I don’t want to go because there is a high chance I will run into my Ex that I don’t want to take.” Rose confessed.

“The one who ghosted you?” He asked. She nodded.

“I know I don’t talk about it very much. He really did hurt me and I’m not sure what I’ll do if I see him. So I rather would let it happen anywhere but on a red carpet.”

“Understandable. Why would he be there?” James asked interested. He really knew nothing about this mysterious guy who broke her heart. More than once he imagined having a talk with him, to ask him what on earth was wrong with him to let a woman like Rose go.

“He is nominated as best leading actor in a mini series. You actually told me you loved the series when we talked about the globe nominations.”

“Your Ex is Tom Hiddleston?” James asked rather surprised.

“He is. We had been together for 7 years when he broke up with me.” A sad smile came to her face. James sat up and hugged her tightly. He knew that she was hurt badly. He was also pretty certain that she still loved him. And with this new information about how long they had been together, he needed time to process.

“It’s okay. Maybe you can join me on the after party? I can ask who is on the guest list, so you don’t run into him?” He asked. Rose looked at him and smiled, before she leant forward and kissed him. Giving him the answer he wanted to hear.

…..

Rose wanted to send him something. Hell. She wanted to hug him and tell him how proud she was. And she wanted to punch him for his poorly chosen words. She could see that he was nervous.

“You should call him.” Ryan said.

“I can’t.” She watched as he stumbled over his words, while accepting his first Golden Globe for his role in “The night manager”.

“Then write him. Or write something.” He kissed her forehead and left.

She looked at herself in the mirror. The now red hair was curly around her head. The green floor long dress she chose fitted perfectly and the shoes made her at least 3 inches taller.

The applause on TV brought her back and she saw Tom waving to the crowd before he left the stage. Her phone already in her hand she went through her contacts.

“Oh my God please tell me it wasn’t that bad.” Were the first words she heard after the call connected.

She laughed. “Well it wasn’t that good either.”

“I really hate you, Stevens.”

“I love you too, Luke. How is he?” Rose had been in contact with Luke constantly in the last months. In the past years he had become a close friend.

“He’s doing interviews right now. I gave him a tequila after he came back from stage.”

“Like a good Publicist would do.”

“Are we still on for tomorrow?” He asked.

“I’ll pick you up around noon. I will call you before I’m on my way.”

“Good.”, she heard Tom asking who’s on the phone. Her stomach clenched hearing his voice so close.

“That’s Tom. I have to go.”

“Tell him congratulations.”

“I will. See you Rose.”

…

“You look absolutely beautiful.” James told her as soon as she exited the car.

“Why thank you Mr. Golden Globe winner.” She kissed him.

“Congratulations.” She kissed him again.

“Thank you. Should we go in?”

“We should.” Rose took his hand and smiled at him.

What she didn’t know was that only 2 cars away Tom had spotted her and had a hard time controlling his expression, when he saw the woman he loved was kissing another man.

She hadn’t expected for the meeting with Luke on the next day to be so awkward.

Usually they had no problems talking to each other. They had been friends from the beginning of Rose and Tom dating. But both of them where not sure how to proceed this friendship, now that Tom was out of the picture.

“Long night?” Luke asked as they were seated and looking through the menu.

“I actually haven’t slept at all. I was on a after show party of the golden globes.”

“I know. Tom saw you.”

Rose looked at Luke over the menu.

“He did?”

Luke nodded. “He was supposed to be at the same party but left as soon as he saw you with James Miller. He was quite upset.”

“And that should concern me?” Rose put the menu down and raised her eyebrows at Luke.

Luke became uneasy.

“No. Yes. God, this is awkward. I don’t want to be put in the middle of all this.”

“There is no middle, Luke.”

“He wants to make things right, you know?”

Rose leant back in her chair, shaking her head rolling her eyes.

“Then he should have made more of a effort instead of a text message. How would you feel if Laura left you without any real explanation, because we both know Taylor wasn’t the real reason. He waited too long. I have James now. And he’s perfect. I really want to try with him.”

“Do you love him?” Luke asked.

“I always will. But I don’t think I can get over the way he treated me.”

“I was talking about James.” Luke said after a while. Rose looked at him breathing in deep.

“I like him.” Rose answered. “You can’t love somebody after 2 months.” As soon as these words left her mouth and saw the look Luke gave her she, suddenly exhausted, rubbed the bridge of her nose.

_“Jesus Benedict. We won’t be late. Who goes to watch a Shakespeare piece in the middle of the week?”_

_“Excuse you. Don’t underestimate the Shakespeare loving population of London.”_

_“Ugh.” Rose rolled her eyes and followed her friend. She and Benedict Cumberbatch had been childhood neighbours. Sure he was 10 years older than her but he had been her brothers friend. After he died he tried to be the big brother for Rose, David would have been._

_Benedict had made it his purpose to take her to the theatre once a month. If he was available. His career really was starting to take off. That’s how she found herself sitting in the first row at the Donmar Warehouse about to see Shakespeare’s “Othello”._

_“Do you think Ewan McGregor somewhere suddenly during this piece will stop and wholeheartedly sing the Elephant love song medley from the Moulin rouge movie? Because if that happens it might be worth leaving my flat the day before Christmas.” Rose had asked Benedict quietly before the lights went out._

_Benedict had chuckled and whispered. “What am I going to do with you?”_

_2 hours later she joined in the standing ovation. She never liked Shakespeare. But if everything would have been performed like that, she would reconsider. When Ben told her Ewan McGregor would be in that play, she was sure she could survive 2 hours, subtle looking at him without actually paying real attention to the theatre. She hadn’t put in consideration the curly haired Gentleman that would also be there._

_“So. How upset are you that there was no singing?” Ben asked, when the applause had slowed._

_“Surprisingly I rather liked it.” Rose answered honestly._

_“Oh?”_

_“This was the first time I really followed the story, so Congratulations Cumberbatch.” Rose looked at him. The cast came out for their final bow and she looked on stage again and swore she saw the Curly haired Man winking at her._

_They were standing outside 30 minutes later, waiting for one of Benedict’s friends to have a drink with._

_“I really want to go home Ben.” Rose whined for the third time._

_“It’s Friday and it’s not even 11 pm. How old are you?”_

_“Right now I feel too old to even argue with you.”_

_“I’m taking you home on our way to the pub, all right?” Ben put his arm around her shoulder._

_“Thank you. Adoptive brother.”_

_“Oh Tom. There you are.” Benedict suddenly took his arm away from Rose’s shoulder to greet the man who just stepped out with a hug._

_“Glad you could make it. I hope you liked it?” As soon as she heard that voice, she knew that she so would go to the pub with Ben and his friend that night._

_“Loved it. Rose here even liked it, and she is a though crowd.” Benedict stepped away from him and made a gesture to where Rose was standing._

_“Though crowd? Why is that?” Tom looked at here interested._

_“Oh she hates Shakespeare.” Ben provided and Rose could nothing but laugh at the shocked expression on Tom’s face._

_“How… Why…” Where the only words that left his mouth while him and Ben where making their way over to Rose._

_“I guess I just never really understood the fascination. Ben here tried very hard to make me like him. And the only piece I really ever liked way Henry V.”_

_“So there is hope.” Tom was now standing in front of Rose with a hopeful look on his face. So Rose was the name of the woman he had spotted first as he stepped on stage only a couple of hours ago. She was even more beautiful as she was standing right in front of him now._

_“There is always hope, Tom…” She held her hand out for him to shake his._

_“Thomas Hiddleston. But friends can call me Tom” He took her hand to shake it._

_“And you are?”_

_“Rose Amelia Stevens. Nice to meet you Tom.”_

_When he brought her home that night, because Ben had left them by themselves after getting no word in, they were surprised to find out they lived only 5 minutes apart._

_She was standing in her door, searching for the keys in her purse in the early morning hours of Christmas day. The sun about to come out. They had talked for 6 hours before the pub closed and they made their way home through Regents Park._

_“So…” Rose finally had found her keys._

_“So…” He repeated, smiling._

_“We can agree that not everybody has to like Shakespeare?” Rose asked._

_“We could do that.” He answered thoughtfully. “Or I could pursue you as long as possible with the outcome of you loving Shakespeare as much as I do.”_

_“I don’t think Shakespeare even loved himself as much as you love him, Tom.” She laughed. He joined._

_“You might be right but I would like to try.”_

_“And how would you do that?”_

_“We could start by going to the theatre together?”_

_“I already do that, if I you remember.”_

_“Well yes but you haven’t been to the theatre with me.” He grinned._

_“True.” Rose smiled._

_Tom grabbed her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist._

_“Merry Christmas Rose.” He had smiled._

_“Merry Christmas, Tom.” She had smiled back and watched him leave her, going down the street._

_As soon as she entered her apartment, still smiling like a lunatic her phone beeped, signalling a new message._

_>_ _She’s beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is woman, and therefore to be won. Henry VI Part 1 - Act 5, Scene 2 >_

Right in that moment she had fallen in love with Tom. After meeting him only a couple hours earlier.

She looked at Luke. She had to leave.

“I can’t. I really want to. But I can’t.” Rose stood and put a hand on her friends shoulder.

“I have to find out if I can grow to love James.”

“But that’s not fair to either one of you.”

“I know. But sometimes you have to put yourself first. Like Tom did.” And with these word she left Luke alone at the Restaurant and made her way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny fact. I saw the production of Othello at the Donmar back in 2007 on my first vacation in London by coincidence. My friend and I got one of the last tickets that day. Can't believe that was 12 years ago.


	5. Chapter 5

Tom hated going to Dr. Jones as much as he loved it. His therapist was a big help in the last couple of months. Finally he had his life sorted out and knew what he wanted.

“So Tom. Have you decided what you’ll do with the ring?” Dr. Jones asked Tom as he sat down. This was one of the last topics Tom had problems with.

“I thought about selling it but immediately felt bad for it.”

“And why is that?”

“Because, and that sounds incredibly soppy, this ring found me. You know. It wasn’t even my intention to buy an engagement ring on that day. I just strolled through the streets and saw it in the window. I knew immediately that this ring belonged to Rose.”

“Then why didn’t you give it to her, when you had planned to?”

Tom had planned on proposing on her birthday last year. She looked so beautiful in her black dress when they were walking by the themse. He had planned to do it in front of the Shakespeare globe where he took her for their first theatre date.

“I was scared that she wouldn’t say yes.”

“I think everyone who ever proposed has that fear. But you have to take certain risks in life.”

“Oh I know. I took the biggest risk after a stupid dumb thought and broke up with her instead of making her my wife.”

“And what thought was that?”

“That I’m not enough for her. That I’m going to be like my father and leave her.”

“But isn’t that what you did?” Dr. Jones asked.

“Like I told you. I’m the biggest idiot on this planet.” Tom explained and sighed.

…

It was March 22nd. Rose’s 30th birthday. She was back in London because Diana invited her over. And she missed the Hiddleston’s, so who was she, to say no?

“So we are going to visit the mother of you Ex-Boyfriend today?” James looked at her suspiciously from the passenger’s seat, as Rose drove the car out of London.

“That sounds weird when you say it. But yes. She is like a mother to me. Has been for almost 9 years.”

“And she will hate me, because I’m not her son.”

“Oh don’t underestimate her. She wants only the best for me. And that is you my friend.” She winked at him.

“Friend?”

“Lover?”

“Ugh no. Let’s keep friend. I’m your friend. With benefits.”

“Oh please don’t say stuff like that when we are there.”

“I’m so proud of you Darling.” The woman next to her said, and hugged her tightly. It was about time that Rose started to believe in her own talent. Diana couldn’t wait to hear the songs Rose had written.

“Thank you Diana.”

“I hope he will listen and feel everything you felt.” Diana whispered.

“He’s your son.”

“And an idiot or leaving you.”

“Well, he probably had his reasons.”

“Maybe his therapist can get them out of him.” Diana put her arm around Rose’s waist and they started walking on the pier.

“Therapist?” Rose asked.

“Oh he’s been in therapy for more than a couple of months now. I think it helps him. He’s starting to work more again.”

That was certainly news to Rose.

“That’s good for him. I want him to be as happy as I am right now.”

Rose smiled at the handsome man who was winking at her from across the pier.

“He is very handsome Rose.”

“And very intelligent.” Rose added, before she walked over and kissed James, who embraced her in a tight hug.

“Well you kids. Thank you for visiting. Please don’t be a stranger.” Diana waved before she made her way back home where her son was sitting on the porch.

“Well that is a surprise.” Diana smiled. Tom stood and hugged his mother, before following her into the house.

“I hope I’m not interrupting your day.”

“Oh no. You actually just missed Rose.”

Diana observed her son closely. He seemed more relaxed. A little smile on his face.

“She’s here?” he asked hopefully.

“Oh no. She just left and I think I should tell you, that she met someone.”

“I know.”

“How?”

“I too can read the news, Mother.” he joked.

“And it doesn’t bother you?”

“Oh it does. Mom, I’ve been so stupid. So stupid. But I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I want her to be happy. And if he makes her that happy, then so be it.”

“That sounds awfully grown up of you, Thomas.” Diana stated.

“Well I have to start somewhere, don’t I?”

….

After visiting Rose’s father in London James took Sara to visit his sister in Dublin. She had been staying in Ireland for work for 3 years and he hadn’t seen her much these years.

“But I really don’t want to interrupt your time with you sister. You said yourself you haven’t seen her that much in the last years.” Rose looked at James through the mirror in the hotel room. He was just putting his shirt on, while Rose tried to tame her mess of hair on her head.

“She wants to meet you. And I want you to meet her.” James eyed his girlfriend curiously. Ever since they left the Hiddleston’s Rose became somewhat quiet. She seemed to be daydreaming a lot. Everytime he asked her if she was okay she continued to assure him, that she’s fine.

“Okay. But If you want to be alone with her, you will tell me?” Rose turned around and put her hands around his neck. He was smiling at her, but his eyes were concerned.

“Sure I will. It will probably be the other way and you two will ditch me somewhere lost in Dublin.” He laughed and held her closer, laying his head on top of hers.

“I would never ditch you.” Rose mumbled and sighed.

3 hours later Rose and James’ sister Kat, short for Katherine, were standing outside of a office building in the middle of Dublin, after James actually ditched them both, because he had forgotten about a conference call with a producer.

“And her he was concerned I would ditch him.” Rose laughed. Kat joined her.

“Well you know my brother. Always busy, always working.”

“He’s rubbing off on me. I’m close to finishing my album after only starting a couple weeks ago.”

“He told me about that. I can’t wait to hear it.” Kat genuinely said. Her brother had also told her of every concern he had because of Rose. James loved her. But he wasn’t quite sure if Rose was in this relationship like he was. James had told his sister about his plans. He wanted to move in with Rose. Aside from only knowing her for 4 months, he was pretty sure she was the one. But he wasn’t so sure, he was the one for Rose

The women made their way to the tiny streets of Dublin before sitting down in a café.

Kat wanted to get to know her brothers new girlfriend, but she also wanted to protect her brother from heartbreak.

“So. I hope you don’t mind me asking, how serious is it between you and James?” Rose was asked.

“Well. We like each other very much, but I told him from the beginning that I had been in a very long relationship before I met him, which ended badly.”

“So you see no real future with him?”

“That’s not what I said. I just need time to get used to it.”

“Get used to what exactly? Him?” Kat raised her eyebrow.

“No. No that came out wrong. I have to get used to having someone else than Tom in my life and that seems to be a lot harder than I anticipated. I know it’s not fair to your brother, but I really want to make this work.”

Since they had been at Diana’s last week, Rose had been thinking of Tom rather often. She also swore she saw him on Diana’s porch when they drove by on their way back to London.

“I hope you can make this work, because my brother is in. 100%. So please try to make up your mind, before you hurt him too much.” Kat told Rose.

“I really am trying.”

“Maybe you should ask yourself who you see yourself getting married to or having kids. If it’s James. Great. If it’s not you should maybe end this.” Tom’s smiling face popped into her head immediately.

“I will think about that.” Rose finally said after a moment of silence and took a sip from her tea.

After getting back to the US in the middle of April James was on set for a new movie, so they didn’t see each other very much. Rose was in the middle of production for her album and was constantly traveling between LA, New York and London. The times in London she enjoyed the most. She missed London. She missed the city, the people, everything.

She missed just going to see Emma, and now even more that Emma was pregnant.

She missed seeing Benedict and Sophie. She missed seeing little Kit grow up

The calls with James became less and less and Rose felt bad for it, but she didn’t mind.

“Will you be at Ben’s birthday next week?” Sophie asked Rose, when she was over in July.

“I really want to, but I have a meeting in New York because of the album and I tried everything to switch the date.”

“You’re not only saying this because Tom will be here?”

“I genuinely tried Sophie. I wouldn’t do that. Benedict is like my big brother. Well old brother now.” Rose laughed.

“Don’t. If I hear a complaint about him turning 40 again I might throw myself out of that window.” She gestured to the kitchen window.

“Well you would only fall about a meter so you’d be okay.” Rose laughed.

“You know he asks about you. Not as often as in the beginning, but he still does.”

“Can I be completely honest with you, Soph?” Rose needed to talk to someone. Sophie nodded.

“I really miss him. More when I’m in London. I tried writing him a letter, because I know he loves getting letters, but I don’t seem to get the right words out.”

“You two are really one of a kind.” Sophie shook her head and got up from her seat. After a while she came back with an envelope which she handed to Rose. She read her name on it, and recognized the handwriting right away.

“He gave the letter to me about 3 months ago. And I was supposed to give it to you only when I got the feeling that you want to contact him. Which you just told me, so. Here you go.” Sophie sat down smiling, only to get up immediately because she heard Kit crying.

Rose, still quite shocked put the letter on her seat and stood.

“Sit down. I’m going to get him. Rest. And thank you.”

Later that day, after Ben got home and cooked for all of them, Rose sat down in the guest bedroom she was staying in, in the Cumberbatch house. She still hadn’t found the right place in London. If she was honest with herself, she didn’t really search for one. She had the perfect place. Only a couple of roads away from here.

Shaking her head she opened he envelope and began to read.

_Rose_

_I think I started this letter about a hundred times. I can’t seem to find the right words for what I want to say to you._

_A simple “I’m sorry” doesn’t do it justice. Not at all._

_I have never been this unhappy in my life and it’s all my fault. I know you tried to find the reason for me breaking up with you. And you blamed yourself. (Emma told me)_

_But I can genuinely say, it had nothing to do with you. I felt stuck. I thought I was unhappy. Boy was I wrong._

_The moment I left our house that day, I wanted to go back and beg for your forgiveness but this other part of me wanted to find out, if I can live without you._

_I found out that I can. But I don’t want to._

_I know you have a boyfriend, and I hope he makes you as happy as you deserve to be._

_You deserve the world._

_Everything is brighter with you. Everything is lighter. I miss coming home to you. I miss how you fall asleep on my chest. I miss you._

_And I know it’s my own bloody fault._

_I would love to try to make it up to you. Somehow._

_If you’re ready to talk to me, please do. I will wait._

_Love_

_Tom_

Before she knew it, she was on her feet, already putting her shoes on. She really wanted to see him. To talk to him. To tell him, everything is going to be okay. To tell him she missed him as much as he misses her.

In this moment she didn’t care, he hurt her. She didn’t care for the whole year that they missed. She only wanted to see him.

She was almost out of the door, when her phone started ringing. Sighing she reached for it and read the caller ID. It was James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :-)


	6. Chapter 6

After talking on the phone with James, he would visit her in late August, she let herself fall on the sofa next to Benedict who was reading a script.

“Why is everything so complicated as a grown up?” She asked him.

Ben looked at her with his eyes above his glasses and closed the script.

“When you know what you want, it’s quite easy.”

“Not helpful Cumberbatch.” Rose sighed and let her head fall on his shoulder.

“You’re getting there. I promise.” He hugged her from the side. That’s how Sophie found them 2 hours later. sleep. Smiling she put a blanket around them and went back to bed.

….

“Oh my god. He is precious. Yes you are. Yes. You .are.” Sophie knelt down to pet the little dog.

“And she’s out.” Ben laughed and bumped his shoulder with Tom’s.

“He is precious. She’s right.” Tom said and smiled. He only got Bobby a couple of weeks ago, but he couldn’t imagine life without him. He invited Ben and Sophie over for dinner, as he couldn’t made it to Ben’s big birthday party the week before.

“So the meeting went well?”

“It was okay. I am don’t really know.”

“That doesn’t sound too excited.” Sophie said.

“I don’t think I’m going to get this. I actually thought about taking a little time off. I only have some Marvel stuff at the beginning of next year and then I think I want to go back to doing theatre for a bit. Stay in London. Sort my life out.” All three of them were standing in Tom’s kitchen, while he was putting the finishing touches on his Bolognese. Ben put an arm around his wife, who was watching Tom. He seemed a little more relaxed than the last time they had seen him.

“Well your godson will be incredibly happy to spend more time with you.” Ben finally said.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

Later, when Benedict excused himself for the bathroom Sophie told Tom about her giving the letter to Rose.

“Did she read it?” Tom asked hopefully.

“I think so. I haven’t talked to her much. She had a very early flight back to New York for a meeting.”

Tom nodded at that. Rose reading the letter was all he wanted, when he had written it. Maybe in the future he would be able to talk to her face to face to tell her everything that was on his mind.

…..

It was September 2nd when “Our last song” by Rose Stevens was first played on the radio. Hearing her own voice on the radio was something Rose hoped she would never get used to.

She was in the last recordings of her very first album in the legendary abbey road studios in London

“Okay. We have everything except “Drowning shadows” Ryan looked at her from behind the control. James was sitting next to him.

“I want to do that one alone. No band. I’m going to play it by myself on the piano.”

“Okay. Sure. Let’s do that after lunch though.” Ryan suggested.

“Great. I’m staaaarving.” She put her headphones down and left the studio.

Ryan was waiting for her.

“James wants to talk to you before we go and grab a bite.”

“Okay. I’m on the mood for burgers. That pub around he corner in 15 minutes?”

“I’ll be waiting for you.” Ryan grabbed his keys and left. Rose made her way out and saw James waiting for her.

“You wanted to talk to me?” Rose smiled at him.

James turned around and smiled sadly at her. The realisation that he loved her came 4 months ago. He wanted to tell her then, but he couldn’t find the courage. And now, after being apart for the better part of the last months, without really talking, he couldn’t continue like this.

“You still love him.” James finally said.

The smile on Rose’s face faded.

“And you don’t love me.” He continued.

“That’s not true.” Rose said.

“Are you sure?”

“You can’t fall in love with a snap of your fingers.”

“We know each other for 11 months now. Do you think that isn’t long enough?”

“I don’t know…” Rose answered after a while. James smiled at her, laying his hands on her shoulder. She looked up at him. His eyes sad.

“I love you Rose. And that’s why I’m letting you go.”

“Letting me go?” Rose asked him confused.

“I can’t continue like this. Being the rebound. I deserve someone who loves me back, don’t you think?”

“You do.” She breathed shakily and bit her lip to stop herself from crying.

“Then let’s just stop right here. I’m going back to New York tomorrow morning anyway. And you should call him and finally talk to him.” James kissed her forehead.

“Please don’t hate me.” Rose whispered and hugged him.

“I never could.” He smiled at her.

“You sure you wanna do this now?” Ryan asked her after they came back from lunch.

“I want to finish this today. Besides you have seen me crying. Nobody else is here.”

“Well then…” Ryan said and Rose sat down on the piano.

25 minutes later the first record of Rose was finished. And it wasn’t even that sad.

“I’m so proud of you Rosie.” Ryan hugged her after they stepped out of the studio.

“Let’s hope this won’t be a complete failure then.”

…

Tom didn’t know if he was imagining this but Rose seemed to be everywhere. On the radio. On the TV. Now in the store. He quickly wanted to grab groceries and be on his way, when he saw her CD in the window. Her album was out today. Why didn’t he remember that?

He bought it and went straight home.

After having his mini breakdown on the tube the other day he googled her.

He was so proud that she finally made the decision to release something herself. Quickly he made his way back home to listen. After that whole disaster with the Taylor Song, he had a talk with Luke, only to find out that he already had a copy of the album which he already listened to.

Luke loved it. And there was no way to trace anything back to Tom, because their relationship had always been rather private. Something he was been quite thankful for in the last year.

He didn’t even want to imagine the shitstorm that had followed the whole fiasco. Not that there would have been anyone else to blame but him.

So, after putting away the groceries he opened a bottle of wine and listened to the whole masterpiece of an album from Rose. And he cried. Oh did he cry.

….

Rose stood in front of the green door. She just got back from LA. It was late November and she still hadn’t talked to Tom. When she exited the airport a little while ago and the taxi driver asked where she wanted to go, she gave him their, no his, address. Rose finally had made up her mind. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to give him the opportunity to say what he wanted to say.

So she took all the courage she had and knocked on the door. It felt weird. She had never knocked on that door. Because she had a key.

When the door opened a minute later, her heart was beating frantically, she was met with Luke’s surprised face.

“Rose?” Luke asked.

“Uhm. Luke? Are you living here now?”

“Nope. Just searching for my iPad.”

“Well. Is Tom home?”

Luke shook his head. “You missed him by an hour. He’s on his way to Australia for a couple of reshoots.”

“Australia…” She mumbled. Damn it. Timing really isn’t their biggest flaw.

Luke eyed his friend curious. She obviously drove from the airport right to this house. Her big suitcase still standing beside her.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what are you doing here?” Luke asked her.

“Isn’t that pretty obvious? I’m here to talk to Tom. But apparently I forgot to use a phone and now he’s gone again.” Rose cursed to herself. How stupid can one person be?

“Come on in. We don’t have to talk about anything in front of the nosy neighbours.” Luke took her suitcase and put it inside as Rose walked by into the house.

The scarf she forgot to pack, when she moved out was still hanging on the wardrobe, she recognized, when she walked into the house. Breathing in deep she walked further into the house. Nothing had changed. Everything was still as she left it all those months ago.

Luke was standing in the hallway. Giving her some space. He was hoping she would come around to talk to Tom for a while now. It seemed like both of them needed a good talk.

All these months Tom really worked on himself and seemed to be in a better place now, than ever before. All he needed was her. Everyone could see it. Rose and Tom were meant to be together. He never met two people who completed each other more than them.

“How long are you staying in London?” Luke asked her after a while. Rose came to stand in front of the entertainment system in the living room. She saw her face on the cover of her album and grabbed it.

“Until I’m going on tour in the middle of the next year.” Rose turned around to Luke, the CD still in her hands.

Luke went over to her.

“He loved it, you know.” Luke said, gesturing to the CD.

“He did?”

“Everyone did. It’s phenomenal.”

A little smile crept to her face. Tears in her eyes.

“I miss him Luke.”

“I know Rosie. He’ll be back for Christmas. Talk to him then. I bet you two have a lot to talk about.”

She nodded, laying the CD back to where she had found it.

20 hours later, on the other side of the planet Tom got a message, which brought a smile to his face.

_She was here for you Tom. Don’t you fuck this up again or I’ll come hunt you down._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's rather short. But the next one will be longer. I promise. Thank you all for reading and comenting. It really means a lot :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only I could have the great idea to write about Christmas during a heat wave...
> 
> Thank you for reading :-)

“I mean not that I don’t like you being here, but don’t you think it’s time you find your own place?” Benedict stood in the door to the guest bedroom Rose was occupying once again. Right after she left Tom’s she came to Benedict’s. Having asked him to live there for a couple weeks once again.

“I’m on it. I actually have an appointment tomorrow to look at a couple of places.”

“Good. Good….” He murmured. “Did you talk to Tom?”

“He apparently is in Australia.” She informed her friend.

“Didn’t you call him to let him know you want to meet him?”

“I didn’t.”

“May I ask why? Because..” Rose interrupted him.

“Yes I know it was stupid. I think a little part of me was concerned he wouldn’t want to talk and that’s why I just went home.”

“Well that _is_ just stupid.”

“Why? After all that happened I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to react to anything related to Tom. I do still love him, but it’s frustrating.”

“Wasn’t it him that wrote you to come to him when you’re ready?”

“Well yes.”

“So?” Rose looked up at her best friend. Brother. That’s what he was.

“I’m scared. I’m scared that I forgive him and we will end up like this again in a month. Or a year. Or in a couple years. I don’t think I could survive him leaving me once again.” Rose confessed. Deep down she knew she was ready to give Tom another chance. She missed him. Even after all that happened.

Benedict came to sit next to Rose on the window seat she had been sitting in, putting an arm around his friend.

“I can understand that you’re scared. But you won’t get a guarantee with anyone you’d date. And in return you can’t guarantee that you won’t leave him. You simply have to trust each other if you want to be together.”

Rose spent the whole week looking at different apartments and houses. She very quickly decided that a house would be too much for her alone. With being on tour and so, she wouldn’t be home much the next year anyway. But it was time to find her own place. A place where she could be by herself. Not that she didn’t love her friends. She would be forever thankful for dealing with her depressed self for the last months. But sometimes all she wanted to do is dance in her underwear while singing to Mariah Carey on a Saturday night.

_It had been a shit day. Starting with her overhearing her alarm and missing her meeting and it ended with her forgetting to get groceries on her way home. Tom was supposed to come home tomorrow from filming in Ireland and Rose wanted to try a new receipt for cookies she had found on the internet a couple days ago._

_Deciding that the groceries could wait until tomorrow she ordered herself a pizza and made her way to do some laundry, putting on music on her way._

_As soon as Mariah Carey’s “Hero” blasted through the house, she started singing the words. She went upstairs to collect all the dirty clothing and made her way, dancing, back downstairs to the laundry. Seeing that she only had two machines to wash she put on the black loading first. Including the dress she had been wearing._

_Only in her underwear she made her way to the kitchen to get herself a glass of wine, when “Heartbreaker” came on. Putting the wine glass down, she danced to the living room, singing the lyrics by heart. Mariah Carey was one of her big idols ever since she was younger. She kept dancing until she noticed the smell of melted cheese and garlic. Still dancing she turned around and made big eyes to Tom standing in the door, the pizzabox in his hand, smiling widely at her._

_She turned down the volume of the music._

_“How long have you been standing there?” Rose asked blushing._

_“Since the first chorus.”_

_“Enjoyed the show?” She made her way to him._

_“Very.” He put the pizza box down on the table next to him._

_“I thought you’d be back tomorrow.”_

_“I finished today and took an earlier flight out to surprise you.” He put his arms around her waist._

_“Congratulations. I’m surprised.” Rose, standing in front of him, put her arm around his neck. Toms hands wandered from her waist down to her ass._

_“I missed you.” He whispered._

_“Even dancing around in my underwear singing to Mariah Carey?” She smirked._

_“Especially like that. Yes.” Then he picked her up to kiss her._

Sighing she looked around the apartment she signed the lease for only an hour ago. It wasn’t perfect, but it had potential. And she could even picture herself dancing around.

On December 5th she was a mess. Pacing Rose wandered around in her new apartment. She only got the keys the day before (offering more money seemed to do the trick) and was supposed to paint her bedroom today. In a light blue. But she forgot that the Grammy nominations would be out today. To be exact, in 2 minutes. How she could forget that, when everyone had been constantly reminding her, was a mystery to herself.

She had been nominated before but for another artist. If she’d be nominated this time, it would be only her who got the attention. Well and Ryan. He produced her album after all. Why was she alone in here? She couldn’t handle something like this alone. Her phone beeped and she opened the incoming email. And screamed.

“OH MY GOD!”

Six. She had been nominated for six Grammys including best album.

Her phone beeped again. She ignored it first, trying to wrap her head around her being nominated for 6 Grammys. Never in a million years she would have expected that. She went to the window front of her apartment and looked outside, jumping up and down. A tear went down her cheek. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been this happy.

Unfortunately for her, that feeling only lasted until she read the first message she had received.

It was from James who congratulated her and wished her good luck.

She had been awful to him. Roe hadn’t talked to him ever since they broke up. There was no reason to. She couldn’t even begin to describe how sorry she was for how she treated him. She should have never gotten together with him in the first place.

_“So. If you don’t mind me asking. Why didn’t it work out with you and James?” Ryan asked Rose when they were on their way back to the states after finishing the album._

_Rose knew exactly why it didn’t work out with James. Because she didn’t love him. And probably never could. James was everything a girl could dream of. He was intelligent, funny. He looked good. Had a job that could afford his own lifestyle. Even his family was lovely. But something was missing and she knew it from the beginning. But it felt good to have someone. Someone who cared about her. Who could make her laugh when everything went downhill. She felt beyond guilty for treating him the way she did._

_“Because I never loved him. And because he’s too good for me.” Ryan was about to interrupt._

_“No. I mean it. I think deep down I knew that I used him. I just didn’t want to see it, because the way he treated me felt so good. He deserves better. Not someone who treats him like shit.”_

_Ryan looked at Rose from his seat. He believed her, that she didn’t intended to hurt James._

_“There’s no point in feeling guilty now, Rose. It happened. You can’t change how you feel.”_

_“But I could have treated him better. Or never got together with him in the first place. It was too soon.”_

_“That may be, but he’s a grown up. Getting together with someone who had been in such a long relationship like you were beforehand, always has it’s danger.”_

_“Still. I feel awful.”_

_“That will pass, Rosie. Maybe one day you can talk to him, to tell you how sorry you are.”_

She fought with herself over answering him. It would be rude not to. So she sends him a simple thank you, before she put down her phone, and started painting the walls.

When she came home (to Benedict’s place) that night, after finishing painting her whole bedroom, she tried to make as little noise as possible. It was late and she didn’t want to wake the children. She took the stairs and slowly opened the door to her room. All she wanted was a shower and a good nights sleep. She had received her “Grammy Schedule” only an hour ago. She had to leave for the states right after Christmas, so she wanted to finish as much in her new apartment as possible.

She put on the light and was greeted with a huge bouquet of withe roses with pink peonies. How on earth does one get peonies in December? In England?

Head shaking she made her way to the at least 3 dozens of flowers, to check the card. If she was honest with herself, there was only one person who would put that much effort in getting her favourite flowers in December. At least he did in the past. She opened the card.

_Congratulations Rosie. You deserve the world x Tom_

The next two weeks were busy with her moving into her apartment. She ordered furniture. She had her boxes delivered from the stocking place she moved them too. She painted the walls. All by herself, because she wanted to do something for herself alone.

___

Tom had been back in England for all of 18 hours, when he found himself back in his childhood bed, starring at the ceiling. It was Christmas day. And he was supposed to be taking care of the turkey.

But all he could think about was talking to Rose. He hadn’t heard from her. Not after she tried to see him almost 4 weeks ago. That was the only time he wished he had another job, were he would be home every night. The urge to talk to her, to see her was getting unbearable, so he sat up straight, dialled her number and waited.

\----

On Christmas Day she was on her way over to her fathers house, when her phone ringed. It was Tom. They hadn’t talked in more than a year. She still couldn’t stop the butterflies in her stomach as she answered.

“Hello?” He almost jumped when he heard her voice.

“Hey Rosie.” Just hearing him put a smile on her face. It had been so long since they talked.

“I wasn’t sure you would pick up. You’re probably on your way to your fathers.”

“True. And for the record, I wanted to talk to you for a long time.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

There were both silent for a moment. Both not really knowing what to say.

“So. Anything big planned for the holidays at the Hiddleston’s?” Rose asked after a while.

He laughed at the other end of the line.

“Ah the usual. Mom is pacing around the house, demanding for Emma to not do anything, while I’m on turkey duty.”

“So nothing new.” Rose laughed.

“Luke told me, that you came to see me when I was in Australia.”

“I was. Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you call?” He asked. Rose sighed.

“Didn’t want to give you a chance to say no?”

“I wouldn’t have.” He said honestly.

“Do you still want to see me?” Tom asked hopeful.

“I would love to.” She admitted. Tom was pretty sure she could hear the weight falling of his shoulders on her words all the way to London.

“Would you like to come over for dinner in 3 days? I’ll be back in London by then before I have to fly out again. I could make your favourite?” He suggested slowly.

“I’m leaving for LA the day after tomorrow for rehearsals.”

“Ah yes. The Grammys.” He smiled. He sincerely hoped the flowers he did send to her to congratulate her, weren’t over the top.

“I haven’t thanked you for the huge flower bouquet I received from you. While being monstrous. It was beautiful I won’t even asked where on earth you got the peonies from...” Rose laughed.

“You are welcome. And I won’t tell you where to get them. I intend to send you many more of them. Maybe we can meet up in LA? I’ll be there till late February.”

“That would be wonderful. Let’s just text when we’re both in LA to pick a date.”

“Great. I look forward to it.”

“Me too.”

There was this silence again.

“Tom?” Rose asked.

“Yes Rosie?

She wanted to say that she missed him. That she loved him. That she never wanted to leave him ever again. Instead she said.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas Rosie.”


	8. Chapter 8

Rose’s week had been awful. It should have been great. She was nominated for more Grammys than she could have ever imagined and Ralph Lauren was making her three dresses for that very same evening.

Unfortunately she wouldn’t have someone to enjoy this week with except her stylist. And Ryan. And she still hadn’t met up with Tom. Her schedule was so hectic, there just hasn’t been time. They were texting occasionally though.

“You look lovely.” Ryan complemented her. She choose a dark blue silk dress for this evening. Her dark red hair lay in waves on her left shoulder.

“Thank you.”

“You ready to go?”

“Sure. Just let me grab my purse and we’re good to go.”

She always hated these Hollywood parties. That was also the reason she had only been seen twice on a red carpet when she was with Tom. Sure the celebrity sites knew about them back in the day. But because of missing scandals they were pretty much to boring to write about. There had been a couple of reports about them breaking up when Tom was seen with his new girlfriend, well apparently now ex girlfriend, but nothing too much because they didn’t know how long they were broken up. That’s also why no one had made the connection of the very many songs she wrote on this record about Tom. Only the closest friends did. For everyone else it was an album about heartbreak and moving on.

The ride to the party was quiet. Her mood the whole day had been strange. And now she was supposed to perform on Elton Johns Grammy Party. Elton John.

Rose made her way to the balcony. She wanted a cigarette. After talking to countless producers this night she was ready for bed. But she had to sing before she could leave. Her vocal coach would kill her if he knew about it. Smoking and singing apparently didn’t go well together. She was just searching for a lighter in her purse when she saw him. He was wearing a dark blue suit, with a light blue tie, which probably made his eyes pop. They unintentionally wore the same colour. He always looked best in a suit. She couldn’t do this today. Not when she was about to sing this song. His eyes scanned his surroundings and finally landed on hers.

All kinds of emotions ran through both of them. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Love. Loneliness.

Tom made his way to her. She looked stunning in her dark blue silk dress which reached the floor. Her hair was longer and it wasn’t blonde anymore but dark red. Her lips too.

“Hey.”, he greeted her, not sure how to greet her. Would it be okay to hug her? When all he wanted was to kiss her?

“Hey stranger.” She greeted back, taking him in. He looked good. The wrinkles around his eyes a little deeper then he last time she saw him. She wanted him to hug her. But wasn’t sure about it.

“God, this is awkward.” He said after an embarrassing moment of silence and stepped closer to her, hugging her carefully. Rose hugged him back and took a deep breath, inhaling his scent. _Home_. Was the first thought that came to her mind.

“So…” Rose started after they parted.

“So…” Tom replied nervous. There was so much he wanted to say, but this certainly wasn’t the right place or time for that.

“You missed telling me that you would be here?” Rose asked, trying to get a conversation going.

“I didn’t know until 2 hours ago to be honest.” She nodded.

“How’s work?” She asked.

“Good. I’m actually in the middle of shooting right now.”

“Oh?”

“Well it’s kind of a low-key part.”, he winked. Rose laughed.

“Nothing mischievous?”

“Oh most certainly.” Tom laughed.

“You’ve made an album.” Tom stated after a while.

“I did.” she smiled.

“I always told you, you’re too talented to not grace the stage.”

“I know. I only wish it would have been under different circumstances.” Rose glanced up to him. He smiled sadly.

“Me too, Rosie.” he sighed.

“Do you know when you have some time off by now? We should really talk.”

“I’ll be leaving back to London next week. I’m off tomorrow evening though.”

“I’m free, just... Text me?”

“Or you can pick me up at 6 pm at the Hollywood Hotel?” Rose asked.

“I’ll be there.”

20 minutes later Rose was standing on stage, being introduced by no other than Elton John. She wanted to change the song she was about to perform to another one. The thought of Tom listening made her nauseous. But she made the commitment beforehand and it was the song that was nominated 3 times, so she really didn’t stand a chance. She stepped out in the light and grabbed the microphone, waiting for the music to start. Starting her song.

_Maybe one day I won't sing about you_  
I'll sing a song about someone new  
But right here, right now, you are on my mind  
And I think about you all the time  
  
I'm sending a message to you  
And I'm hoping that it will get through  
  
When it was good, it was bittersweet, honey  
You made me sad 'til I loved the shade of blue  
I know you don't want to talk to me, so this is what I will do  
Maybe you're listening, so here's one last song for you  
Here's one last song for you

 _And I hope it makes you feel_  
And I hope it makes you burn  
And I hope it reminds you of how much it hurt  
  
I'm sending a message to you  
And I'm hoping that it will get through  
  
When it was good, it was bittersweet, honey  
You made me sad 'til I loved the shade of blue  
I know you don't want to talk to me, so this is what I will do  
Maybe you're listening, so here's one last song for you  
  
In case you hear this, then know you're the love of my life  
Want to tell you I'm sorry, I miss having you by my side  
When you were mine  
  
When it was good, it was bittersweet, honey  
You made me sad 'til I loved the shade of blue  
I know you don't want to talk to me, so this is what I will do  
Maybe you're listening, so here's one last song for you  
Here's one last song for you

The applause at the end of the song didn’t reach her ears. It was the two blue eyes of Tom in the corner of the room that captivated her. So much hurt and understanding in them. He wiped away the tears in his eyes and smiled, joining in the applause. Rose stood and thanked everyone, making her way backstage, breathing heavy.

“You okay?” Ryan was suddenly standing in front of her.

“I think I’m having a panic attack.” She gasped between breaths. Her chest hurted like she was about to die.

“Shit. Why. How can I help?”

“Tom…” She stuttered between breaths.

“I’ll get him.”

She tried to take longer breaths. Why was this crashing down on her now? She knew that sooner or later she would see him. She was standing in front of his door only a couple of weeks ago. She used to sing in front of him all the time. Before….

Footsteps alerted her, while she was still struggling to control her breathing.

“Oh Darling...”Were the words that broke her. She couldn’t stop the tears. Tom took her hands in his and looked at her. She was shaking and had trouble breathing.

“Rosie. Breathe with me. In and out. You’re okay. Nothing can hurt you here.”

Rose calmed down after a couple of minutes and finally met his eyes.

“You did.” She said and Tom looked at her questioningly.

“You hurt me. Badly. I wrote 27 songs about it.”

“27? That is a lot.”

“I think we can cut 4 of them because I was incredibly drunk when I wrote them and I was cursing a lot” She said.

Tom looked at her. He never could stand seeing her cry.

“I’ve been wrapping my head about how I could make this up to you.”

Tom kneeled in front of her, brushing her loose hair behind her ear. She tried to wipe away her tears, but only made it worse.

“Let me help you. You are close to looking like a Panda.”

“Oh shit. I have to get out there again.”

Tom took his handkerchief out of his pocket and carefully wiped away the tears.

“There. All new.” He put his handkerchief away and smiled at Rose.

“How did you plan to make it up to me?” She asked.

“By telling you I love you at least 12 times a day. By cooking your favourite pasta every time you want. I would give up Shakespeare for you, if you would even consider talking to me again.”

Her name was called from stage and she stood. A little smile on her face she leant next to his ear and whispered

“Love is begun by time, and time qualifies the spark and fire of it.”

Tom looked after her, glued to his place.

He loved this woman. He had loved this woman for almost 10 years. He had fucked up. Major. And still she talked to him. She not only talked to him, she quoted Shakespeare to him.

A hand on his shoulder startled him. Ryan, her best friend was standing next to him.

“If you’re going to fuck this up again, I really can’t guarantee that you’ll survive this.” He said calmly.

“I don’t plan on fucking this up ever again if she’ll have me.”

Head shaking Ryan made his way up to stage.

“You never lost her in the first place.” Ryan shouted over his shoulder and left Tom speechless backstage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I've been on vacation for 2 weeks so there was a little delay. There is only one tiny chapter left, which I will post tomorrow. And then it's finished. Thank you for taking your time to read, leave kudos or coment. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the response.   
> The Song in this chapter is Sam Smith's "One last song".


	9. Chapter 9

“So. 27 songs?” Tom was walking next to her on the beach. Rose shoes dangled from her hand. Her beautiful blue dress now even longer. Her hair loose around her beautiful face. It was as if Tom saw her for the first time. It was only 2 hours ago that they decided to leave the party be and stop waiting for them to talk.

“What can I say? You were quite the inspiration.” She smiled sadly.

“For every song?” He asked.

Rose looked at him from her side.

“Every single one.” She sat down on the beach. He sat down beside her.

“So I’m the one designed for you?” Tom asked. Rose looked at the ocean in front of her. The only light there was, was the moon. Everything was so calm and peaceful at this moment.

She turned her head to lay on her knees. To face Tom.

“You always have been, Thomas. But you decided at some point, that I was not. And before I can even think about forgiving you I need to know why.”

Tom breathed in deep and began talking.

“I hope you know. I never cheated on you. I could have never done that. Back at the MET Gala when I met her I thought there was something. Some kind of spark I hadn’t felt with you. I now know that this was nothing I don’t even know what it was to be honest. A part of me fell stuck and I wanted to find out why.”

“Have you forgiven yourself?” Rose asked after a while.

“Pardon?” Tom looked at her confused.

“I think you need to forgive yourself, Tom. Yes you fucked up. And I was a mess for months. But have you forgiven yourself for all of that? You had to live with your decision also. And I think it’s easier to be mad about someone else as yourself.” She had talked to Benedict about that a while ago.

“I can’t. I..”

“Yes you can. Tom. I forgive you. I have for a while.” Rose almost whispered.

“That easy?” He asked hesitantly.

“When you love someone as much as I love you, there is no point at holding on to a grudge.” Rose confessed quietly looking at him.

Tom couldn’t help the smile that came to his face.

“I never thought to hear these words from your mouth again.”

“Don’t get used to it right away. If we want to make this work, there are a couple things we need to change. One being you talking to me. The last year I felt like if you would have talked to me earlier, all of this mess could have been prevented.”

“It’s funny you say that. Everybody has told me that in the last months.”

“Is there a reason you couldn’t talk to me? We have been through a lot together. I just wondered…”

“I really don’t have an answer to that. I have been thinking about it constantly and my only conclusion is, that I’m a bloody idiot.”

Rose laughed at that.

“I could have told you that earlier.” She rested her head on his shoulder and it wasn’t long till she felt his arm around her.

“So… When we’re both back in London. Would you like to have dinner with me?” Tom asked her as they were walking up to the hotel.

“I would like that very much.” Rose was standing in front of the entrance.

“Good luck at the Grammy’s.” Tom said, stepping closer to her. He had to look down to her.

“Thanks.” She whispered looking up. He could see it in his eyes that he fought with himself about what to do next. Tom leant down and kissed her forehead.

“Good night Rose.”

“Good night Tom.” She said and turned around, to go to her room.

Tom made sure she was in the building before he turned around and walked to his own Hotel. A bright smile on his face.

Rose had won three Grammys a couple of days later. One of them for best Album. And she never had been prouder of something.

It was on a warm spring day in the beginning of March when Tom was waiting in front of the building Rose was living in. They hadn’t seen each other since that day in LA. But finally they were both at the same place at the same time. Nervously he straightened his white dress shirt as the door behind him opened, and Rose came down the stairs, wearing a dark red dress that ended just above her knees.

A little smile on her lips, she made her way down to Tom.

“Hey you.” She put her hands behind his neck when she reached him. They had been talking almost every day after they met at the party. He called her from set. She called him when she was back in London. She even spent an entire week at Diana’s and met Bobby, who she fell immediately in love with.

Tom put his arm around her waist. He could see the paparazzi from the corner of his eyes.

“Someone is taking pictures.” He whispered. Rose shrugged her shoulders.

“I don’t care. Let them.”

“You sure?”

“Are you sure, is the real question here.” She smirked. Tom took a deep breath. Instead of answering her, he leant down, and did, what he wanted to do for the longest time. He kissed her.

Her hands played with his hair, as they parted and looked into each others eyes.

“Food?” He asked quietly.

“Food.” She answered, as she took his hand, letting him lead her down the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. Thank you all for reading :)


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